Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
