Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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