Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he fucked my hip out of place.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
