wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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