Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
