The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
