Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
my sisters under your porch take her home
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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