I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Randomize
