So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
