I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
