Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
