When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
