her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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