so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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