Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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