i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
