i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
