yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize