So drunk its hurt
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
