New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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