Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
