I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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