I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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