i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Someone signed my nipple.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
