I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
