You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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