he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize