I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You took a bar mat shot.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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