I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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