i wish there were pregnant emoticons
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
