when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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