I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Terrible idea I love it
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
