I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
