If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
