i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
