Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
