Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
