...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Randomize
