There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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