There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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