I wish my penis had an off switch
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
