Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
