I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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