if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
