I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
