Tell her she can't have a vagina
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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