covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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