this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
