I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
