I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
