when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
