made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
