one might say we're banned from that church
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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