So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
