My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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