I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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