I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
