Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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